He who talks too much digs his own grave.
Chretien de Troyes
Let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Mt 5:37
This time I will speak about the most recent role-play. I was kindly told that I spoke too much, which was true. Even during the exercise (good sign), I became aware that I was in talking too much, but I did not know how to stop! Although I was not aware that I was lecturing my client; since them I came to realize that, every time the therapist talks more than the client, he/she is talking too much (would that be a good rule of thumb? I do not know, but sounds good to me).Back to the role-play. I noticed that as soon as I thought I had understood the client’s “problem” I felt compelled to offer a possible way of action (fortunately I refrained myself from doing it). “Why don’t you…” however, that would have been MY solution, should I have been in my client’s position. Moreover since I could clearly relate to my client’s problem, I noticed that I was almost guiding the conversation for the client to arrive to MY conclusion! That is somewhat scary!
Two ideas come to mind “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks”1 and “Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill”2. I do not know what is best for my client! Maybe they can workout their differences. I must be careful about what I say.3
A common theme in several of my responses has been the therapist’s responsibility to the client. It seems like this is just another aspect of it. What do we know about what is best for our clients? What arrogance! The fact is that we do not know. As tempting as it is to provide cookie cutter solutions, we cannot. Every person, every situation, every problem is different and, as such, I believe there is not such thing as a text-book neurotic, teenager, mid-life crisis, divorce, depression, etc. It seems to me that the moment we label somebody as a “bipolar”, “ADHD”, “depressive”, etc. we stop looking at the person, we only see the label, we loose the unique individual before us and only see psychopathological symptoms (at such point, we might as well just prescribe them a pill). I know that this sound extreme, but I am only applying to our profession a well-known truth. Krishnamurti4 said that the day we teach a kid that a fluffy, colorful moving object is called “a sparrow”; he/she has lost something5. The next time he/she sees a new (a unique) similar fluffy thing, he/she will say, “Oh, another sparrow, I know sparrows”. It seems to me that as therapists we are always at risk of doing the same: “oh, another borderline, I know borderlines, I know how to treat them”. However, I am digressing…
Back to talking too much. When one does it (as the quotes at the beginning suggest) one is at risk of saying too much, to push one’s own unconscious agendas. It is precisely then when one is at higher risk of missing the point, making inexact (or fully erroneous) judgments, and from them is just a short step from becoming defensive trying to justify our own affirmations and beliefs (as apparently I did). That is not a good place to be, especially not when we should be dealing with the client’s special needs, conflicts and ultimately his/her unique life.
- Jesus, Mt 12:18 ↩︎
- The Buddha. Could not find the specific source. ↩︎
- Still, I know I am not that powerful. I know that the client always has the final. Nevertheless, an unaware therapist can certainly be influential; and if not careful, even harmful. ↩︎
- As quoted by Anthony De Mello ↩︎
- That is the awe for its uniqueness. ↩︎
