When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.
Martin Buber
I don’t know where I’m going, but I can tell you where I’ve been.
I have continued thinking about the relation of the therapist and the client and the importance of empathy during the first meeting.
I remember the first time I went to therapy. Although I had no prejudice against going to a “shrink” I still felt a bit funny. I guess the way I dealt with it was by convincing me that I was not crazy, but only needed some help with certain specific issues. In fact, I prepared a list with the five items that, in my opinion, needed to be addressed. I do not remember my therapist’s attitude, but I do believe that it made me feel comfortable, she acknowledge my areas of concern (whether she agreed or not with them, I do not know) and also made me feel that my problems were solvable. Had she tried to go another way (e.g. trying to convince me not to stick to an specific agenda, letting me know that there might be other issues to consider, etc) I might have felt like she was trying to sell me something that I did not need and most probably would have say “no thanks” and walked away.
The therapist needs to develop, from the fist visit, a sincere appreciation for the client. He/she should acknowledge the courage of the client in being there, and provide some assurance that it was the “right move”, that he/she is not crazy and that there is hope.
I underline the word sincere, since it seems to me as the key. I believe that clients would feel if we really do not mean such appreciation or support. This goes back to the need for authenticity and openness.
The other topic that keeps coming back (and that I relate to the openness) is the need to be aware at all times, is that even if the client is coming to me looking for magical solutions or to be “fixed” (just as he/she would go to a priest, a guru or a tarot reader), I should not receive him/her with a sense of superiority, but welcome him/her as an equal.
I really liked the image suggested in class, where the therapist first has to clear his/her own path and then invite others to walk that same path, not as an example, but more like traveler companion, as someone that, although may have already visited this specific “country” is a traveler nonetheless, still learning and discovering new things. Encouraging clients to try their own solutions, walking together in the therapeutic relation, where therapist and client meet, relate, and by means of it, healing occurs.
Apparently, I keep struggling with the two extremes of an idea. On the one hand, fighting my own ego/pride which would like me to think of me as somehow better, more evolved/mature that my client (embracing the guru/priest plea); and on the other hand, the goal of meeting my client (and everyone, for that matter) in an I-Thou way.
It seems to me that closely related to the above is what Freud calls the “therapeutic ambition” since here again I find the temptation for the therapist to think of him/herself as better (or at least more sophisticated) than the client; as someone who can rescue or guide him/her. I am aware that such ambition is more complex than just unconditional acceptance, but I find here the same underlying assumption.
Last Thursday I was present at a lecture by Michael Lerner, where he basically discussed two different visions of the world: (i) the market based society, where fear is the base feeling, and where every time I meet a person, I evaluate how can he/she may be of use to me. Basically an I-It world. In such world, it is clear that I (the evaluator) must assume to be better that the “its” to which I relate, to the its I objectify; and (ii) the love based society, where the relation criteria is love, mutual support, equality and compassion, an I-Thou world. I am starting to realize that, most of the time; I have been living in an I-It world. That would explain why it seems so hard for me not to pass judgment regarding people I meet. Ouch! Not a nice discovery!
I need to keep this inner struggle constantly in mind, not letting my ego/pride get in my own way. Somehow, sound familiar.
Avidyanath
© 2005
But then again, what do I know…
