The Crown will plainly show [that] the prisoner, who now stands before you, was caught red-handed showing feelings. Showing feelings of an almost human nature.
This will not do…
Pink Floyd / The Wall
Each day a bird would shelter in the withered branches of a tree that stood in the middle of a vast deserted plain. One day a whirlwind uprooted the tree, forcing the poor bird to fly a hundred miles in search of shelter – till it finally came to a forest of fruit-laden trees…
If the withered tree had survived, nothing would have induced the bird to give up its security and fly.
Anthony De Mello
I remember the first time that I had in my hands a book on communications. I was still in high school. I got it by chance, since a friend was taking a class on that subject. I cannot remember the name of the book but I do remember how it impressed me. Did People actually need to learn how to communicate? It did not make a lot of sense, the only “skill” that you need for that is the ability to speak! Right?
Since then, communications has been significant topic for me; however, until now I have only though of it as a working tool. Either to persuade judges, deal with adversaries, convince clients, and sell services. Although I was painfully aware of the lack of meaningful communications/conversations in my life; before the T-group experience, it never occurred to me that perhaps it had something to do with the way I made (or more precisely did not make) contact with people, and the barriers I erect to avoid intimacy. Here is a good place for a “Duh!”
The first thing that stroked me from the readings was the concept that sharing feeling is more valuable than sharing opinion. I have never been timid to utter my opinions, and I was not afraid of hearing the truth, I though (and still think) I can take that, but expressing (and exposing) my feelings (in particular those not willingly accepted, like anger and –specially– fear) was a whole different matter.
Why am I afraid of expressing my feelings? How and when did I learn to hide them? I am sure that when I was a child I was able to express them openly. What happened? I have been thinking about it in all my classes; does it have to do with my Oedipus complex, the loss of the love-object and fears of castration? (Psychodynamics), or perhaps with separation anxiety? (Human development), or maybe I am just a skilful player of the one-upmanship game? I cannot tell, but pretty soon I realized that my anxiety apparently came from a fear of rejection which –I also found out– was inversely proportional to my desire/need to be liked/accepted, my longing to make friends.
So, being the type of person that I believe I am, a risk-taker (although with so much introspection I am no longer sure whether that is true!) I took the chance, and talked about my loneliness, my desire to make friends, and my frustration on my apparent inability to develop significant bonds.
It was not that so hard. It did not hurt. And lo and behold! Almost before my eyes, the “walls” began to crumble . My group-mates were kind, the feedback constructive, but something was happening within me. In a very subtle way, I began feeling different towards them. I understood that I had to take the risk, not wait for people to reach me but actually reach out to make contact. (Another “duh!” would not be misplaced here).
A popular Latin song goes: “I have always known, when we’ve to talk about us, it is better to begin by talking about me.” I do not know whether the singer has being in a T-group, but it sound similar to Kahn’s “Truth and responsibility require that I lay my card on the table before I ask you to”.
An advice very hard to follow, at least for me, since like the little bird in the story at the beginning, I have been clinging for too long to my fears, I have been hiding behind my walls, begging for someone to come and tear them down. But I understand now that, by putting myself in the vulnerable position, I facilitate the way for the other to do the same. In contrast, if no one is willing to take that step, relationships remain superficial, “safe” but still empty. A dear price to pay for supposed safety.
Although it would be naive to affirm that the T-group experience fully “cured” me from such fear, it showed me that it is possible (and even “safe”) to be the one taking the initiative, the risk and meet others. It showed me a crack (if not a door) in the wall. So far the results are quite promising.
A worth mentioning byproduct of my learning experience came from the Tao of Leadership. I cannot, should not try to force relationships. Trying to rush things will get me nowhere, such rushing comes from insecurity. Understand the process of relationship, follow it, be open and remain open (yin) and let it flow. Never push the river.
