There must have been a door there in the wall, when I came in.
Pink Floyd

Why are we so afraid to express our feelings? Sorry, I shouldn’t talk about everybody, but only about me. So, why am I so afraid to show my feelings? Where did I learn to hide them? When did it become a “bad” or “unacceptable” thing to express my feelings? When did they get so apart that now it is even hard to recognize them, to express them, to feel them?

I do not remember, but I am pretty sure that when I was a little boy, I was able to express my feelings freely. When I was happy, I laughed and played, when I was sad I cried, when I was angry I pouted… I think you get the picture.

So, what happened?

Apparently, at one time, I learned that the world was not a safe place; I learned that I had to be tough to “fight my way to the top”, that I could not trust everybody, that life was a competition where only the strongest, the quickest and the fittest survive.

Perhaps all began in my house with my parents. They taught me not always was ok to cry, “to be a man”, to stand my ground, to hit back. Not even laughing and playing were allowed at all times, but that I had to do it at the right place and time. Must probably I did not understand clearly such rules, but I complied them, which I’m must had been very confusing for a small boy. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure they had the best intention, and probably they were taught exactly the same.

Maybe school also helped. The first time an older boy hit me, or when my classmates made fun of me. I know that then I learned that it was better to be among the ones laughing, than being the victim, so I learned to fit in, to adapt to the group, to be one of the gang. Or possibly was when we started competing, whether in sports, academia, grades, poetry, drawing, etc., getting awards and praises when I won, and nothing (apart from an awkward feeling of not being good enough) when I lost… and I learned that everybody liked winners, while losers where not so popular.

I know that by High School I was very good at it. Then I fell in love for the first time, and had my heart broken for the first time as well. An I guess there and then I learned that expressing love openly put me in a vulnerable position, and that I could get hurt, and maybe there decided that I was not going to be fooled so easily next time. Anyway, apparently nobody even really cared; human beings are just selfish, self-centered creatures.

From there, to the marketplace, find a job. There are very few good jobs and many people looking for them. It is a jungle out there, you it what you kill and every man is for himself. I had to outsmart everyone, since mostly everyone, specially my colleagues where ruthless competitors that would not hesitate to take my place if they ever had the chance.

Yes, maybe that is how it happened…

Is this the world we have created? Is it here where and how we want to live? Is it the world we want for our children? Do we want them to learn what we do not really like? Has it worked for us?

Does it really matter when and where did I learn to hide my feelings? Do I want to do keep on doing it now?

With all my heart, I would like to say “no, I don’t” and somehow, I wouldn’t be lying. Still, if I do not believe it, why am I afraid? Why do I set barriers? Why don’t I just get out of the wall? What is stopping me?

Perhaps I don’t even know how to get out anymore…

…and most important of all, of what am I really afraid?